I write this e-mail with all my heart, hoping to find the right words to express what we carry inside and my painful experience, unfortunately, still remained unresolved.
I am a 20 year old girl, with a dose of sensitivity in the body so large as to be often very fragile at the lowest emotions. A little thing to make me cry, the emotion is a routine every day, a movie, song or anything else evokes memories in me is a gateway to the "My World".
My childhood nostalgic memories in my mind because it was recorded as the most beautiful part of my life, thanks to my friends, games and laughter to every sincere to us donavamo summer afternoon ... I was an intelligent child, modest, respectful but also cheerful, lively and smiling.
My first love, Luke (I will use fictitious names) dates back to the age of 11 years, the classic childhood infatuation ... He was the leader of the group of friends, new games always organized, had brought joy and overwhelming charisma. So I secretly admired until the age of 16 years and never reveal to my feelings. Growing relations have always been good, obviously with the age growing embarrassment, but I with my strength I never leaked on my interest in him, probably for fear of refusal or because I liked the tune that c 'was and I did not want to risk losing that confidence. After
Luke, my third summer of high school I started to be courted, suddenly from a state of total shadow, I found myself at the center of attention by many that perhaps a few months ago did not even notice my presence. I met so many people, including mystery, a boy younger than me, which always boasted of his many experiences. I liked it although it was not great and when it starts to court I was very happy. With him are certainly not missed the problems ... It was certainly very immature and probably expected to add to his "collection of girls," made me think about were his attitudes superman he used with virtually all of them.
At the end of summer here is my first panic attacks (of love) of my life, something I had never tried before.
One Saturday night I happened to go out with my friends on my cell phone and receive a mystery by asking me to meet ... This unexpected excitement caused me nausea and vomiting, I fled for refuge in the bathroom of pizza and I invented an excuse to avoid meeting him. In the following days and months following the situation has always remained the same, only that my panic attacks occur more frequently, even without an apparent reason.
I deleted in my life who felt responsible for my illness but it did not do anything, whenever I went out the confusion, the people, every new circumstance put me in distress and my body showed This discomfort with the same symptoms ... dizziness, nausea, vomiting and later .. CRY. Tears for tears on a situation that could not explain, a malaise that kept me from going out for fear of being sick.
Then in December 2005, at age 17 made only by Quach day I met Angelo ... and finally the first kiss! We were together for some time, with ups and downs with him but my panic attacks were gone, probably because I did not feel anything so strong.
During our seventh month, on August 22, 2006 (a date engraved in red letters in my heart) I met the guy most of my life, Joseph. He came into my life without knocking, I ask permission ... He wanted to know during the party of a friend of mine, just as I cn Angelo. I took her away from her arms under her eyes and under the eyes of more than 50 guests, a scene from the movie ... striking as all his gestures. He dedicated his words, the most beautiful I have ever received and I was delighted in listening. During those few seconds that circumstances had given failed to excite more than in all those months, my boyfriend was able to do. A real stroke of lightning. He has bought my cell phone number and I thought every day studded with sms and calls. In the following days I lived while waiting to hear his voice on the phone ... Hours and hours talking and get to know unbeknownst to everyone. No one but my mother knew of our strange affair. I was glad to hear it next to me, but I felt terribly guilty about it "treason" unfair that Angelo did not deserve his own. So I decided to cut our knowledge, in a call I told him to seek no more because I felt this relationship away from the friendship and I could not afford it as I was with another. We have not heard for several days ... I was crying and I despaired of my choice, I felt growing in me the desire to have him still around, crying and no one knew the reason for this. Not even a week from our posting reappears! My heart starts to beat ... During an evening is to bring a CD of songs at home and then run away encouraged by my words "is not right!" "What we do is a betrayal to me" "my boyfriend does not deserve it" ...
We arrived in September 2006, the school starts again, the fifth year ... One of the first day, the crowd HIM! It 'was a start I did not expect to see them ... for me. We have not even said goodbye, my boyfriend took me by the hand and led me on.
On September 16, 2006, the first letter, full of beautiful words .. I could recite it from memory for every time I read it, I know every sentence ... not counting the times I've cried while reading it.
In the following months, we rarely heard, I just tried it ... I did not have the courage to do so.
Then on December 1 this is the break with Angelo and the beginning of real problems.
Dozens of guys that I turned around, the final exams and the tension at school, the complex of a teenager in a particular phase of his life that Joseph e. .. more I came inside. On December 9
our kiss ... Beautiful, romantic and unforgettable. Sweet as music and poetry ... Intense and full of passion as of August rain that washes the beaches on fire ... There are no words to describe that moment.
December is spent with ups and downs, marked by his mood swings from that a little later I would have used ... I was sympathetic and loving, my heart bursting with joy to think next to me and that was all that I tried to express when I had the opportunity to see him. Had begun a relationship between us, but I could not stay with him, I saw the situation is unclear and we were together when I refused to kiss him. Over time the link was waning, he was far away and I felt that something was wrong ... My insecurities growing up day by day, along with his silences became longer and longer. So when we were together the anxiety was almost unbearable and my physical discomfort, my panic attacks had returned, stronger than before.
There have been several occasions to see us on the eighteenth birthday of my best friend, January 18, 2007, I spent practically the bathroom. So in the months to follow I avoided any kind of contact with him, I did not even see him because I did not know how to do, panic gripped me every time I thought I would stand by him ... But it was not easy to refuse to see it, do not respond to his messages. Every time I did it for real self-inflicted stab wounds to the heart. I had the desire to feel good (physically) but I wanted him next, I was really in love with him.
March 11, his birthday, I could not miss and so driven by the desire to meet him I went to the party and finally I could still get lost in her eyes, very few words between us that night but it looks so intense trying to communicate. Then history repeated itself, its behavior was swinging towards me, appeared and disappeared without explanation and I had no peace. He had many stories in these times while I remain bound by a "pledge of allegiance" extreme that I had signed myself for reasons dictated by my very strong feelings about him.
Months went by, come the final exams and finally the end of the school with the promotion ... Huge doubts about the way forward and finally the choice of the option.
back our date, August 22, the party again ... Time for me it stopped a year before! Expectations with a thousand excited and I search among the faces of the guests and then find him holding hands with another girl ... I remain speechless and still tears. Inside of me I promise once again that this would be the last page signed by the pain of my life for a person who trampled on my heart very fragile.
pass even weeks, months, and I happened to see him several times with other girls ... At such times there is no anxiety, I'm fine physically, I feel strong and I can be myself like I can not do when he and I are alone.
are now well past 2 years, telling each episode of this story would take a long time, but I do it because I have not forgotten anything, not even the most insignificant detail. The plot, however, remains unchanged and in particular a constant is not to underestimate my malaise, anxiety I love to live ... This makes me panic escape before him to seek refuge away from the eyes of all! I can no longer go on like this and I'd love to beat my problem. I wanted to die because a life without love is no life. Ever since I was a child my top priority is LOVE, that feeling that disrupts our day, I always imagined it ... A bomb that explodes and invades every part of your world. Love is the most beautiful part of life and I have come to this realization because I may not live like other people. If only I were allowed to express my feelings with a hug, a kiss ... If only I could be happy if ... I could only decide when I go ... Unfortunately it is not so and I am sorry to know that probably no one will understand what I feel.
I am a 20 year old girl, with a dose of sensitivity in the body so large as to be often very fragile at the lowest emotions. A little thing to make me cry, the emotion is a routine every day, a movie, song or anything else evokes memories in me is a gateway to the "My World".
My childhood nostalgic memories in my mind because it was recorded as the most beautiful part of my life, thanks to my friends, games and laughter to every sincere to us donavamo summer afternoon ... I was an intelligent child, modest, respectful but also cheerful, lively and smiling.
My first love, Luke (I will use fictitious names) dates back to the age of 11 years, the classic childhood infatuation ... He was the leader of the group of friends, new games always organized, had brought joy and overwhelming charisma. So I secretly admired until the age of 16 years and never reveal to my feelings. Growing relations have always been good, obviously with the age growing embarrassment, but I with my strength I never leaked on my interest in him, probably for fear of refusal or because I liked the tune that c 'was and I did not want to risk losing that confidence. After
Luke, my third summer of high school I started to be courted, suddenly from a state of total shadow, I found myself at the center of attention by many that perhaps a few months ago did not even notice my presence. I met so many people, including mystery, a boy younger than me, which always boasted of his many experiences. I liked it although it was not great and when it starts to court I was very happy. With him are certainly not missed the problems ... It was certainly very immature and probably expected to add to his "collection of girls," made me think about were his attitudes superman he used with virtually all of them.
At the end of summer here is my first panic attacks (of love) of my life, something I had never tried before.
One Saturday night I happened to go out with my friends on my cell phone and receive a mystery by asking me to meet ... This unexpected excitement caused me nausea and vomiting, I fled for refuge in the bathroom of pizza and I invented an excuse to avoid meeting him. In the following days and months following the situation has always remained the same, only that my panic attacks occur more frequently, even without an apparent reason.
I deleted in my life who felt responsible for my illness but it did not do anything, whenever I went out the confusion, the people, every new circumstance put me in distress and my body showed This discomfort with the same symptoms ... dizziness, nausea, vomiting and later .. CRY. Tears for tears on a situation that could not explain, a malaise that kept me from going out for fear of being sick.
Then in December 2005, at age 17 made only by Quach day I met Angelo ... and finally the first kiss! We were together for some time, with ups and downs with him but my panic attacks were gone, probably because I did not feel anything so strong.
During our seventh month, on August 22, 2006 (a date engraved in red letters in my heart) I met the guy most of my life, Joseph. He came into my life without knocking, I ask permission ... He wanted to know during the party of a friend of mine, just as I cn Angelo. I took her away from her arms under her eyes and under the eyes of more than 50 guests, a scene from the movie ... striking as all his gestures. He dedicated his words, the most beautiful I have ever received and I was delighted in listening. During those few seconds that circumstances had given failed to excite more than in all those months, my boyfriend was able to do. A real stroke of lightning. He has bought my cell phone number and I thought every day studded with sms and calls. In the following days I lived while waiting to hear his voice on the phone ... Hours and hours talking and get to know unbeknownst to everyone. No one but my mother knew of our strange affair. I was glad to hear it next to me, but I felt terribly guilty about it "treason" unfair that Angelo did not deserve his own. So I decided to cut our knowledge, in a call I told him to seek no more because I felt this relationship away from the friendship and I could not afford it as I was with another. We have not heard for several days ... I was crying and I despaired of my choice, I felt growing in me the desire to have him still around, crying and no one knew the reason for this. Not even a week from our posting reappears! My heart starts to beat ... During an evening is to bring a CD of songs at home and then run away encouraged by my words "is not right!" "What we do is a betrayal to me" "my boyfriend does not deserve it" ...
We arrived in September 2006, the school starts again, the fifth year ... One of the first day, the crowd HIM! It 'was a start I did not expect to see them ... for me. We have not even said goodbye, my boyfriend took me by the hand and led me on.
On September 16, 2006, the first letter, full of beautiful words .. I could recite it from memory for every time I read it, I know every sentence ... not counting the times I've cried while reading it.
In the following months, we rarely heard, I just tried it ... I did not have the courage to do so.
Then on December 1 this is the break with Angelo and the beginning of real problems.
Dozens of guys that I turned around, the final exams and the tension at school, the complex of a teenager in a particular phase of his life that Joseph e. .. more I came inside. On December 9
our kiss ... Beautiful, romantic and unforgettable. Sweet as music and poetry ... Intense and full of passion as of August rain that washes the beaches on fire ... There are no words to describe that moment.
December is spent with ups and downs, marked by his mood swings from that a little later I would have used ... I was sympathetic and loving, my heart bursting with joy to think next to me and that was all that I tried to express when I had the opportunity to see him. Had begun a relationship between us, but I could not stay with him, I saw the situation is unclear and we were together when I refused to kiss him. Over time the link was waning, he was far away and I felt that something was wrong ... My insecurities growing up day by day, along with his silences became longer and longer. So when we were together the anxiety was almost unbearable and my physical discomfort, my panic attacks had returned, stronger than before.
There have been several occasions to see us on the eighteenth birthday of my best friend, January 18, 2007, I spent practically the bathroom. So in the months to follow I avoided any kind of contact with him, I did not even see him because I did not know how to do, panic gripped me every time I thought I would stand by him ... But it was not easy to refuse to see it, do not respond to his messages. Every time I did it for real self-inflicted stab wounds to the heart. I had the desire to feel good (physically) but I wanted him next, I was really in love with him.
March 11, his birthday, I could not miss and so driven by the desire to meet him I went to the party and finally I could still get lost in her eyes, very few words between us that night but it looks so intense trying to communicate. Then history repeated itself, its behavior was swinging towards me, appeared and disappeared without explanation and I had no peace. He had many stories in these times while I remain bound by a "pledge of allegiance" extreme that I had signed myself for reasons dictated by my very strong feelings about him.
Months went by, come the final exams and finally the end of the school with the promotion ... Huge doubts about the way forward and finally the choice of the option.
back our date, August 22, the party again ... Time for me it stopped a year before! Expectations with a thousand excited and I search among the faces of the guests and then find him holding hands with another girl ... I remain speechless and still tears. Inside of me I promise once again that this would be the last page signed by the pain of my life for a person who trampled on my heart very fragile.
pass even weeks, months, and I happened to see him several times with other girls ... At such times there is no anxiety, I'm fine physically, I feel strong and I can be myself like I can not do when he and I are alone.
are now well past 2 years, telling each episode of this story would take a long time, but I do it because I have not forgotten anything, not even the most insignificant detail. The plot, however, remains unchanged and in particular a constant is not to underestimate my malaise, anxiety I love to live ... This makes me panic escape before him to seek refuge away from the eyes of all! I can no longer go on like this and I'd love to beat my problem. I wanted to die because a life without love is no life. Ever since I was a child my top priority is LOVE, that feeling that disrupts our day, I always imagined it ... A bomb that explodes and invades every part of your world. Love is the most beautiful part of life and I have come to this realization because I may not live like other people. If only I were allowed to express my feelings with a hug, a kiss ... If only I could be happy if ... I could only decide when I go ... Unfortunately it is not so and I am sorry to know that probably no one will understand what I feel.
